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The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent

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It is never your fault if you have been sexually assaulted. It can be important to talk to someone about what has happened. This could be someone in your life like a family member, a school counsellor, or you could call a phone line like the Klinic Sexual Assault Crisis Line. It’s a great resource that people can call if they need to talk. It is open 24/7 and free to call from anywhere in Manitoba. Their phone number is 1-888-292-7565 or (204) 786-8631. To print: 100% is best, but not necessary. This PDF includes some color, but is also fine in B&W. Bulgarian:

Here is a simple example: I ask John if I can place my hand on his knee, and he replies, “Sure, that’s fine”. On the face of it, we seem to have consent. But the Wheel of Consent says our agreement is not complete until we have also answered the question, “Who is it for?” Helena De Felice (we/they/she) is a Certified Facilitator of the Wheel of Consent® on faculty of the School of Consent. Born inSweden, they nowlive on the stolen territories of the xʷməθkwəy̓əm (Musqueam), Skwxwú7mesh (Squamish), and sel̓íl̓witulh (Tsleil-waututh) Nations(colonially known as Vancouver, Canada). They offer sessions, courses, andexperiences for people to develop skills in sovereignty, intimacy, andconnection. These four quadrant names, Giving, Taking, Receiving and Allowing can be applied to non-touch interactions as well as touch-based ones. For example, you can Give someone a massage, and you can also Give them a birthday present. As you become more familiar with these non-consensual ‘shadows’ of the Wheel, you might start to notice which ones you sometimes find yourself in. This self-awareness can be incredibly helpful, because once you’ve noticed it, the way to get out of the shadows is to establish clear agreements based on asking, “Who is Doing?” and “Who is it For?”, and have we both consented to that? It’s also helpful to remember that finding ourselves in the shadows doesn’t make us a ‘bad’ person, but rather to recognise that they are adaptive survival mechanisms which all of us have used to try and get our needs met. The Wheel of Consent offers a way of meeting these needs in a much more skillful and consensual way.Perhaps I feel drawn to the leggings John is wearing, and want to feel the texture of the fabric (the touch is for me). A weekend spent with Corinne Diachuk, Katie Spataro and the Wheel of Consent is essential for people who want to dedicate themselves to somatic sex education or sexological bodywork. They are, first of all, perfectly matched to engage with people who have diverse learning styles, making sure that everyone in the group feels welcome, has fun and learns a lot. But they also approach the four quadrants of the wheel in a way that evolves beautifully and naturally for all the participants so that by the end of the workshop you’re well versed in the meaning of touch and able to hone in on the most valuable learning of the experience: “who is this touch for?” In my own somatic sex education practice, I begin every client session with exercises, games and experiences based on the Wheel, Corinne’s and Katie’s core work. That work has proved to be deeply meaningful for me, my clients and even my lovers as I have applied these learnings to the practice of human touch in my life.”– Mindful Pleasure Practice Nicolas Reveles Consent is also not simply something which is simply 'granted' or 'revoked'. Rather, it is a process of mutually coming to agreement (or not) with others. The Wheel of Consent provides a clear and insightful map to support and shine a light on this process. The truth is that many of us struggle to fully communicate our desires, or clearly state our boundaries, or take full ownership of our own capacity for pleasure and intimacy. Consent of all kinds is about so much more than simply saying 'yes' or 'no'.

The wheel of consent is a revolutionary tool, and there is no way I could possibly explain it better than Betty Martin does here . Effectively the wheel of consent, as you see above, pulls apart any instance of touch into two axes. The first is about who is doing the touch, the second is about who the touch is for. This separation helps us to see touch as occurring in some really different dynamics so that we can work out what is happening in our sex lives, and what we want more and less of. I’m not going to go into any more detail about the wheel of consent, but you can find a print out of the resource Betty Martin made about it here , and video resources to give a longer explanation here . What I am going to do is make some suggestions about different ways to make use of it in sexual and kink negotiations. Play the 3-minute game Many people take this workshop to clarify and enhance their personal or intimate lives. The Wheel of Consent is great for that! What surprises them is how much it affects the rest of their lives too. The course is open to anyone interested in learning the Wheel, and our intention is for this to be a safer space that is inclusive. However, we recognize that this offering will not meet everyone’s needs. We feel that it is responsible to name that our capacity to provide a safe and supportive learning experience for BIPOC is limited by our whiteness. This course will be taught by white-conditioned, white-privileged instructors and the demographics of the participant cohort may be predominantly white. As facilitators and as humans, we are committed to unlearning and waking up to the ways in which we are unconscious of racism and participate in its patterns so that we may better serve our community. One way of answering this question is to consider the example of the party, and specifically the third scenario, where it’s for both people. This is where Sally and I each want to go to the party, and feel we’ll enjoy it more if we go together. So far, so good. But suppose three hours later I’m ready to go home, and I ask Sally if she’s also ready to go, and share a taxi with me. Sally replies that she’d like to stay another half hour. In response, I say that although I’m ready to go, I’m willing to stay another half hour, as it makes sense to share a taxi together.

More About The Wheel of Consent

That's why the Art of Consent exists! Founded in Oxford in 2017 by Rupert James Alison, we are grateful to be supported by a superb team of assistants and co-facilitators. Since April 2020, we also hold some of our workshops online.

When we do this we learn to trust ourselves more and naturally we become more confident in our ability to choose. We stop tolerating things at work or in relationships and learn to noticeand communicate our true desires and wishes. We open the door to more authentic and enriching connection. Another question people often ask about the Wheel of Consent is ‘’How can I tell whether I am feeling a ‘want to’, a ‘willing to’, or a ‘not willing to’?” Ongoing - The Body Electric School, online and in person introductions, practice, workshops and intensives for men, for women, and for all genders. The real meaning of ‘Receiving’ and ‘Giving’ become clear – and they are not what you might think they are! You learn to tell them apart, learn when to use each of them, and come to appreciate and enjoy each of them.An important book. Simple and clear, with practices that helped me gently discover what I really wanted and was not asking for. Feels like I have a whole new freedom! Remarkable impact in relationships with my partner, friends, family and colleagues. Highly recommended.” Lets you start where you are – regardless of how much you know about the Wheel, there are always new levels of awareness to be found

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